Memories of “Here In My Life”

She gave me a copy of this song, sent it via Bluetooth, and this is the very first Christian song MP3 that I had in my phone.  Or in any of my digital devices for that matter.  I had never had any inclination to listen to this kind of music before anyway.

I had actually asked for a copy of “I’m Forever Yours” but she didn’t have a copy, so she gave me this one.  I had heard it sung maybe once or twice in church before, so I still accepted.  Besides, it would have been rude to decline, she can be very insistent when she puts her mind to it.  Then, as now, disappointing her is like kicking a small puppy, or punching a soft toy.

That night, like most of my nights during that time of emptiness, I couldn’t sleep.  As I laid down in my bed in the dark, I reached for my phone and played the song.  I thought it would help me to fall asleep faster.

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I’ll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep

I knew the Bible story the song was talking about.  The words were simple, the melody less so, but put together, it was beautiful music.

When it was over I played it again.  I didn’t have anything else to listen to anyway, and I wanted to learn the song.

And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

This time I was listening a bit more closely, and thinking about the words more.  I put myself in the place of the speaker, first person so to speak.  I did remember how He found me, that time that I called out in my heart for Him to meet me.  And when He saw me, He saw me with eyes filled with love and compassion, so much so that it spilled over into me and melted the ice walls of my heart.

And the cost was His beloved.

By that time I was beginning to feel the first few tears welling up.  During those first few months of attending church, I had a very first hand understanding of why storytellers sometimes use the word ‘burning’ to describe when somebody cries.  But I was used to it already, and I just let the tears flow, hot streaks of wetness down the sides of my face.

The song ended and I played it again.

Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

My nose was stuffed, my eyes were itching, I couldn’t breathe, and the front of my shirt was drenched, but I just let myself cry, in my bed, in the dark, while the song played.

I fell asleep sometime in the middle of playing the song for the umpteenth time.  But when I did, my sleep was sweet and sound and deep.