Some days are easier, some days are harder.
I would see something, or remember something, and it sets me off.
Is this what real love is? Or is it just nostalgia?
I want to be with him still. Despite everything he has done.
Is that forgiveness? Or just stubbornness?
Forgiveness means forgetting. Or does it?
I am better off without him.
I can’t live without him.
He isn’t the best person in the world.
Neither am I.
—
If someone came to me with the same problem, here is what I would say to her:
Preserve your marriage as much as possible, because it is a promise you made before God, a bond that He has put together.
This is a test of your character, of your faith. You might fail, you might stumble; in fact, it is almost certain that you will be weak and stumbling through all this. But in the end, it is a matter of letting God work.
This is a test. Not of God’s power, but of your own conviction. Again, you might fail. But He never does.
So hold on to what you know. Keep pressing on in prayer. No one knows the mind of God, ultimately.
Love calmly.
Love that is held too lightly, or too tightly, disappears.
—
I don’t want to eat, if it’s not with you. I will just remember all the meals that we’ve shared, all the dishes that you’ve cooked. I will remember conversations that we’ve had, I will think about you with every bite. I will remember that I’m eating alone. For no good reason. For no reason at all other than your stubbornness. I will remember that I am eating alone because you don’t love anymore. You don’t love me, you don’t love anything other than yourself.
I will remember how good you are. I will be thinking about how you’re not extending that goodness towards me anymore.
I will think about it with every bite, and even now my mouth is salivating, while my stomach is twisting with confusion. I’m hungry but I want to vomit. I’m hungry, and my body needs it, but my body is rejecting it as well.
Because I don’t deserve anything good right now.
