During lunchtime today, my colleague asked me to eat lunch, and I had to tell her that I wasn’t going to eat anything because I was fasting. Given that this is Ramadan (?) fasting month for Muslims, she laughed at me, and mockingly asked me if I’ve converted. I just smiled at her, and said no I haven’t, but then again, my thoughts went overdrive. After a few minutes, I wanted to take back what I said, but by then we had changed topics, and it would only seem awkward. Because I wanted to tell her that yes, I have converted, to Christianity. Even if it was a few years ago already, I still want to claim it, and be proud of it. And even though I wasn’t fasting because I had just converted, it made me think of the reasons of why I was doing it now.
Here are some of the on-the-surface reasons that I could think of:
- There is a church-wide instruction to do so for the upcoming Anniversary (one week before, and one week after), and I want to be obedient to my leaders.
- We have a lot of prayer requests, in our groups, amongst our families, and for personal reasons, for which I would like to fast.
- I haven’t really done a full fast in a long time, and I wanted to see if I am still up for it, physically.
- Honestly speaking, I think my body could use a break from the misaligned diet I’ve been putting it through for a few months now.
Those two last ones sound superficial, but I include them here for the sake of honesty and full disclosure. Besides, I think it’s reasonable, since fasting does have that unavoidable side effect, and I’m not going on a full on detoxification regimen, complete with fibrous meals and diet drinks, and fool myself into thinking it’s still fasting, so there you go.
The first two reasons are more elementary — I want to be obedient, and I want to be faithful. But I do find them to be a bit standard as well. I want to think that I have a far closer relationship with God than I did when I was first starting out (Hello God, it’s me once again), and would be able to flesh out my reasons even more in self-reflection as to the reasons why (oh why) I am actually putting myself through this.
1 I am humbled by fasting.
I work in one of those industrial estates in Singapore where good food is not as readily available as it is in crowded residential or commercial areas. So it should be easy to ignore temptations right? Wrong. This week, when I am on full 10 hour fast, there is food everywhere I turn. Also, because of certain things I have to do for work (medical exam, trade fair, etc.), I find myself in a food-accessible place almost every day of this week. And it’s not slim pickings either. We’re talking Tampines One, and Marina Bay Sands. McDonald’s and KFC and Subway. Places that I do not have access to when I am ready and craving to go out and eat what I consider as a treat for myself.
But I have to keep myself away from these delectable choices. I certainly have the means and can afford any of these places. They are within the budget that I set for myself for daily food allowance. And they are right there, no lines or queues or anything.
But then again, I’m in the right place, but I’m not in the right time.
At the office, I have this food drawer that’s just begging to be acknowledged. We have a well stocked pantry that I could easily forage. As I write this right now, the lobby is full of chocolates and other sweets that others have brought back from their trips abroad.
And then again, I have to turn a blind eye (and a dysfunctional nose) and ignore all the tasty treats being paraded around my trembling, twitching self.
This is where humility comes in. Sure, it also speaks of willpower, and personal strength of character, and fortitude, and all that. But I want to throw in humility into that mix as well.
Because I think that it is very humbling to have the means to acquire something, and yet keep oneself from it on purpose. To be made weak, or brought down, voluntarily. To keep that hand that can just reach out and grab and take and cram, from doing so.
I equate it to having power, means, resources, etc., and refraining from using it. I can compare it to keeping myself from some comforts, but not out of self-flagellation, or any sense of misplaced arrogance. I see it as avoiding real or imagined luxuries, and not to prove to myself that I can.
I fast because of a higher power that I believe in, sight unseen. I bow down to this might, this unknowable force, and deny myself at this time — not to prove to myself, or to others around me, that I can, but to show my God that I love Him.
(and oh goodness gracious someone just brewed a fresh cup of coffee in the pantry, i can hear the grinding and smell the beans, and the aroma is so good that I can taste it through the scent as it travels up my nose and down to the roof of my mouth, as it waters in anticipation of that bittersweet, satisfying sip that i know i will not partake)
2 I am empowered by fasting.
When you deprive your body of food, it understandably weakens. As I write this, my stomach is roiling around and being all angry and sensitive because I haven’t fed it anything over five hours, and as I mentioned earlier, it’s just not used to that kind of treatment these past few months (or even years!).
I read somewhere that your stomach is always involuntarily digesting. When it comes time for meals, at whatever time your brain has you scheduled to have them, your stomach will go on an automatic grind, and release the chemicals that are needed to break down the food that you give it. That’s what causes the hunger pangs, and the sharp acidic waves of pain that come with it.
I’m not completely caught up on the exact biological processes, but in my case I almost always have the hunger migraines as well. When I get too hungry, I get to the point where it’s not just my stomach that’s hurting, I also have an almighty humdinger of a headache as well.
I’ve also been in situations before when I was starving to the point of almost fainting. When the sight in my eyes kept dimming down, and near the end I could only see through pinpoints of white lights. Both times that this happened I was able to bring myself out of it, with prayer and sheer will. And it’s certainly not something that I want to experience ever again.
People need to eat to live. That’s such a basic fact, that it’s almost idiotic to write down.
So how then, can I find this self-deprivation of nutrition empowering?
Because I know, in my very bones, in my very blood, that my God is here, all around me, and inside me, and even though I do not see Him, I know that He will see me when I falter, and He will provide the strength to lift me back up, and breathe life in me if need be.
I know that He will not allow me to fall. I know that I may be feeling empty and starved in my stomach, but He is causing a renewed energy and a renewed strength to course through my very veins as I go through this.
He will never put me in a situation that will bring me more harm than good, and He will never give me something to undertake that He knows I won’t be able to overcome.
3 I am awed by fasting.
That’s the simplest word that I can think of, as a heading, and it’s an apt description anyway. I am awed by it. Filled with wonder. Thunderstruck even. Flabbergasted? No, not really. But all in all, amazed.
Can you tell I had a look at thesaurus.com in order to write all that down?
Fasting is a spiritual discipline. As a discipline, it’s something that we have to work at, something we have to endure, and be responsible for. It’s not something that would come naturally (I mean, who has, or would ask for, a natural talent for fasting??); it’s something that we have to be intentional about.
What’s more, it’s a highly personal endeavor. One has to go through it for one’s own self, not with the assistance of others. Sure, a community could do it together, all at the same time, but the act itself is achieved in the course of an individual’s day.
And I can dig all that, see numbers one and two on this list. It requires personal effort, and quite a bit of it. Got it.
But also, fasting is a spiritual thing, and that’s where my awe kicks in. It is something that one has to believe in — heart, mind, body, and soul — in order to be truly effective.
The paradox is beautiful. Another one of the mysteries of God’s governance. Keep yourself hungry, and in the process partake. Deny yourself food, and be filled with the Spirit. Empty yourself out to the overflowing.
(right now my stomach growled like a large, lazy cat, and later on i know it will become a tiger down there with claws that want to rip out of me in its desire to feed and be fed, but nevermind)
And the payoff is supernatural. And exponentially so! What a small price to pay for grace. Who can compare a few hours of being hungry, compared to decades of a sweet, sweet existence in Jesus?
God is good and kind and merciful, but another thing that He is in infinitely powerful, more so than we can ever imagine. So it should come with no surprise (but with plenty of amazement) that the things that he can provide and effect in our lives are just as wonderful and awe-inspiring.
So there you have it. The telling took quite longer than I had planned it, but I hope I got the message through: I am doing this because I love God, and I believe in Him.
Even if it means not eating anything until 7PM today ^_^