I wasn’t able to read the Daily Devotion yesterday and today, so I read them both tonight. I tried to read it with Hillsong music blasting into my ears, and I had to read both of them twice before I realized I should maybe turn the music off so I can concentrate.
The one for yesterday has to do with being kind to orphans and widows. What I read into it is being kind in general, especially to God’s abandoned ones.
The one for today hit closer to home. Fear is something I have acknowledged from a long long time ago, even going so far as to write something about it being the source of all the unhappiness in the world. I think I said something like, discontent is the fear of having nothing, or not enough, pain is the fear of loss of comfort, etc., I forgot the rest, I was just in high school then. Yoda agrees with me, so it must be true.
But yeah, I recognize that I get afraid, and not just some of the time. Especially lately. And here again lies a great disconnect between what I know I should do about it, and what I actually do about it. I get afraid, but up until recently, my chosen solution was to drown out the (good) voices in my head with my own rationalizing that I can do everything on my own, including getting over whatever it is that I’m scared of at the moment. My automatic reaction was a studied nonchalance and calculated apathy. I thought I didn’t need any help, and if I ignore the problem (e.g. loneliness, pain, rejection, etc.), maybe it will go away.
Which is just so wrong, cause it has never really worked very well. Not permanently at least.
I need help, and this time I’m going to ask for it. I have to make myself not forget that somehow. I need to start reaching out to God, to my family, to other people.
What a scary thought.
“And here again lies a great disconnect between what I know I should do about it, and what I actually do about it. ”
She’s so smart, this girl, of this time. So self-aware. And so ready to pour it all out on this page.
“I get afraid, but up until recently, my chosen solution was to drown out the (good) voices in my head with my own rationalizing that I can do everything on my own, including getting over whatever it is that I’m scared of at the moment. My automatic reaction was a studied nonchalance and calculated apathy.”
What nuanced perception.
“I need help, and this time I’m going to ask for it. I have to make myself not forget that somehow. I need to start reaching out to God, to my family, to other people.”
Out of the tangled trains of thought in her head, she comes up with this. Bravo to her and her best laid plans.
“What a scary thought.”
And finally, still, a smidgeon of honesty.
Let’s give her a trophy ladies and gentlemen.