Death announcement

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I found a refreshing way to treat this horrible situation.

I am thinking of him as dead. That’s it. He died. It’s very fitting actually. And it makes so much sense.

The man that I was with, the one whom I loved, the one who pursued me, and took care of me, and stayed with me; the one who made me laugh until I cried, and cry until I laughed again — this person is dead.

Because how can he be the same man as this horrid, misguided person inhabiting his body now? How can it be that this illogical, insensitive, and cruel brute be the same as him?

He was a man of God. He was a worshipper. He served Him and followed His commands. He read the Word, and abided by the Holy Spirit.

He was not without faults. He has always had his flaws, and our married life was never perfect. But still, He was a man of God.

This person now, it is not him.

So I’m thinking of it as that my husband is dead. I am not fabricating reasons, or circumstances. I understand that it is not real; I am not hopelessly lost to this fantasy, my thoughts are still grounded in reality.

It’s a coping mechanism. It’s rhetorical. It distracts me from being anxious all the time.

A dead person has no more voice. A dead person’s opinions and thoughts cannot be augmented. His mind, his heart, and his body died along with him, and there is no hope of recovery.

A dead person cannot hurt me anymore.

But this stranger, this new persona that has somehow infiltrated his being — this person exists.

That’s the most generous way I can put it. This person breathes and moves and speaks. This person occupies space and has mass. He is alive in the physiological sense of the word. But this person is not /living/, in the sense that he is living a full, healthy, and purpose-led life.

I am grieving for the marriage that I lost, and I am mourning the death of my husband.

Please don’t send flowers.

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