I’m trying to fill my days and my nights because otherwise I will slip and fall into the abyss the darkness the void that was before when all I had to look forward to was a long walk towards an empty house and an empty room and an empty bed and an endless stream of content from the talking people on the screen who laughed and cried and spoke and lived on my behalf because I was too numb to do anything else too swollen from crying too lethargic from shock my eyes bugged out and my nose stuffed up and I’m ugly and hungry and always scared always wary of what will happen next what will he say next what fresh hell am I going to hear and learn and realise and how am I going to rationalise it again this time because reason was all I had all I could use all I could stand on the hard truth that is God’s love His immutability that is untouched and unaffected by my own follies and the inconsequential happenings on a constantly rotating earth turning with the sun and the moon and I have to remember this have to think in this way otherwise otherwise I will have to turn inwards and confront my own thoughts my own situations my own temptations and far too often at that time they were thoughts of jumping off a high place as secluded as I can find with a death certainty of one hundred percent so that it would be the absolute end of all things and so to keep from thinking that way what I do is (go back to top and read)
220420 Midnight
