Not that long ago my blog was titled “goodness and graciousness”. I meant it to be an alliterative cutesy title that references my preferred expression at that time (“goodness gracious!”), juxtaposed with the literal meanings of the words taken individually.
The word “good” has been fascinating to me ever since freshman year of college, while taking Philosophy 1, when I first learned about the philosophical concept of “language games”. This concept posits that words or phrases have meanings only as a result of the “rule” of the “game” being played, and depending on the context.
He then went on to ask, “What is good?”
Years later, I was born again into the Christian faith, and I came a little bit closer to finally having a glimmer of an answer to that question.
“Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand.”
Matthew 26:46 ESV
Jesus was so calm here, in the English Standard Version. I hear it not as an expression of passive resignation, but as an indication of inner peace that can only be achieved by someone with a close relationship with God.
It can’t be denied that Jesus is the ultimate example of goodness. But by the life that He lived, He showed that this “goodness” doesn’t come without effort. And by the trials he endured, He also showed that it doesn’t come without consequence.
And yet, with no exception, Jesus would always choose goodness. Doing it, being it, embodying it. In the verse above, He was so casual in mentioning that one of His closest, His most chosen friends has become a traitor. He knows what was going to happen, and still He was going through with it. And He was going to meet His betrayer with a kiss.
Goodness gracious!
Choosing goodness has to be an intentional, every day act. It is necessary for our sanity and survival. And it will only be possible if we are close to Jesus.
I said this over and over again during that harrowing ordeal. I wanted to be “good”. I wanted to be respond to the situation, and not react to it. I wanted to do the right thing.
And then a therapist asked me to define what I meant by being “good” and I was stumped.
I said I meant I wanted to be forgiving and loving despite societal norms dictating how I should be. I said I wanted to have civilized conversations and fight injustice with reason and logic. I said I wanted a chance to start over, with help from the community and trusted counsellors.
But then I wasn’t given the opportunity to do any of that because it was all spoken into an empty room, an echoing hallway, a closed door.
So does that mean I didn’t manage to be “good” during that time?
I think so.
That’s why I decided to go into my villain era. This is my origin story.
God help us all.