There is a certain amount of ‘care’ involved in the follow up, an attitude of compassion that is not inherently present in my social make up. Its quite a character shift for me, as those who have known me for a long time can attest. I’m just not a very caring person. I’m not the type of person who can get close to another in a short period of time, and vice versa. I don’t have that certain charisma present in some people I know who can just make other people feel comfortable even at the first meeting. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just that I’ve spent so many years making my face into a blank wall that now when I do have emotions its harder to make the change, harder to be so emotive and expressive. There are times even when I think that I’m smiling, and I see my face in a mirror and it turns out that I’m not. Seriously, this happened quite recently, when I was having my picture taken for a passport sized copy. I thought I had arranged my face into a pleasant enough expression, and when the picture came out, I was scowling. This must be what botox users feel like.
All this just means that I have to expend more effort in showing my care and compassion. Not to exagerate, or appear to be false, but I just have to be more effusive I think. Since I’m not used to showing emotions, now I have to be extra demonstrative.
I’m really just not that girl I guess.
Reader, I *became* that girl.
This was written in the beginning of my leadership journey. When I was being told to “follow up” on someone.
And it was difficult to break through that exterior mold, so hardened after years of being set in that stony, cold expression of disinterest and disgust that was partly intentional but mostly ingrained.
RBF is real yo.
But like I said: I became “that girl”.
Slowly but surely, with great effort and prayers, I turned into someone who cared.