You hold on to the memory of your sin, and ascribe upon it a sense of misplaced glory. You are ashamed of what you did, but deep inside an unknowable, unacknowledged part of your soul, you are proud of it as well. For why else would you keep it in your heart? Why else does it hold such a prominent front row position in your mind?
You are beholden to the images they bring. Maybe because they remind you of a time when you were young and spry. Maybe because you like the feeling of admiration they bring, the feeling of being the object of someone else’s attention and affection. You were virile and desirable and seemingly irresistible.
And so the cycle of guilt continues, consuming you completely until you don’t know where the sin ends and where you begin. You see yourself always through the lens of your mistakes. You identify as the sinner, and nothing but the sinner. All else is diminished. Your sense of self becomes wrapped up tightly in the dark and twisted nature of your hidden crimes, the secrets you strive so hard to keep.
And since you are always in front of this fun house mirror in your mind, you see nothing else. Since you are wearing headphones attuned to no other frequency, no other signals, you listen to no one but yourself. It is all lies, but truth and falsehoods are now interchangeable in your head. There is no voice of reason. You don’t let any one else speak. Only the beast speaks now. You have ears only for your own deceit.
When everything is closed off like that, there’s no space for reason. There’s no room to breathe. Everything else is forsaken. The secret, once revealed, looms large so heavily, covering everything in its gloomy shadow, suffocating and sucking up the atmosphere until there is no more air, no more relief. The sin comes to life, and becomes alive every day. It becomes your reality. It becomes your identity. Your constant companion. An unwelcome entity that you have nevertheless invited in to your life.
How can it keep from growing then, when you magnify it so lovingly? It might not be on a pedestal, but it is certainly in a place of honour in your head. You hold it like a cherished possession. It is your precious, your source of power. In your mind, no one else in the world has gone through everything that you have gone through. You must be someone special. Some kind of wonderful.
It has taken the place of God in your heart.
But all is not lost. Many people have been in the same position as you. Contrary to what your goblin mind must be saying to you at this very moment, you are not alone. You are not a hopeless case. You are not your sin. You have the capacity to rise above your mistakes. Your situation is not the end all and be all of your life. Your story did not begin here, and it will not end here.
No matter how many times you reject Him, He will always accept you when you return.
