I was just standing there, as I had on two previous occasions, two other Sundays, trying to pray. The atmosphere was set — the lights were dimmed, and the music was slow. Some people were already praying in tongues. The leader was praying in the Spirit as well, and the musicians were pouring their heart out through the music. My mind, as usual, was trying to go in ten different directions at once. I was trying very hard to concentrate, to really try and *pray*, but my traitorous mind kept pulling at me to think of other things. One of the thoughts that stood out though, was this: I didn’t know the words to the songs in the service. And that was one of the things that really bugged me about going to this church. I didn’t know any of the words that they used. Whether for the prayers, or for the songs. And it wasn’t supposed to be that way, I was supposed to know the words and the songs; I have always known words to songs in church.
It really bothered me back then. So much so that it turned out to be the ‘trigger’ that God used to finally give me a breakthrough. I was despairing so much over the fact that I couldn’t sing along, and it led me to think, really think, of how far away I was from God already, of how spiritually dead I was. Of course back then I didn’t know the words to express the feeling of loss I had, didn’t know that there was something missing, etcetera, but it still manifested via emotions; intangible, vague images in my head, that I couldn’t attach words to, and yet were powerful enough to lead me to think these words:
If you are there Lord, if you are real, hold my hand. Let me feel You. Touch me now.
I had no idea how it was going to happen. I know now that one really shouldn’t test God in that manner, but I was clueless back then, and so that was what I thought. The song that was playing was “I’m Forever Yours”. And what happened next was a supernatural thing, an incredible breakthrough that makes my heart giddy and my head spin until now, when I remember it.
I had my hands together in front in the classic praying pose, and when I thought those words, I suddenly felt them being enveloped in this warmth, like a cloud of something had descended on them, and they were suddenly a different temperature than the rest of my body, which felt like it was enclosed in a sort of dense atmosphere, like the air around me had thickened, but not in a suffocating way. Even the music seemed to have lost a bit of volume. My heart was beating very fast, my body was numb, I was shaking, and though no voice spoke in my ear, what I know in my mind/heart was that the Holy Spirit was there, and was touching me. I asked, very specifically, and was answered. I started to cry, and I wanted to be in that moment forever. I wanted that feeling to last as long as it could. In that moment I knew He was real, and I was being touched, and my life was going to change forever.
True enough, it did. And I’m so happy ^^_