In loving memory

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This was how I reflected on what I was going through at that time. Because I was uninformed about relationship things, and romantically inept, and emotionally stunted. I had to pray about it, and think and overthink, and analyze and adapt. I changed my mind, shifted my perspectives, and adjusted my feeling and thinking.

If you’re lazy to click on the link above, it is a series of devotions I wrote from August 2017 that took its theme from the ubiquitous wedding vow.

To have and to hold
For better, for worse
For richer, for poorer
In sickness and in health
To love and to cherish
In good times and in bad
In strength and weariness
With direction and doubt
This is my solemn vow

And it worked. God gave me insights that I didn’t think were possible for me to understand. He allowed me to experience what it was like to be in a Godly relationship. He showed me that this was possible for me, that I wasn’t built for a lifetime of blessed singleness, as I have always declared for myself ever since I was young.

I didn’t turn into a saintly wife-like bastion of domesticity type of woman in a snap. Nothing like that. God is not a genie. It was a long and painful process that was not without its obstacles. There were times when I thought we wouldn’t make it. But nothing is impossible with God. And so He changed me, and I let Him.

I learned so many things. And He’s not done teaching me yet.

At that time it wasn’t about the dress (of which I had 2), or the venue (which had a gorgeous lake, a raft, and swans. Literal swans), or any of the other minutiae of a big wedding (which was meticulously planned, I’m telling you, I’m the OG OC). It was a milestone of a day, and I recognized it as such. I didn’t want a big wedding, but the SO was insistent.

And as as we know by now, I usually gave in to his demands.

Anyway, I knew what I was getting into, and I went into it with eyes and arms wide open, heart ready and yearning to learn more. I dared to dream. I made the leap.

And all the while, I thought we did it together. That he was also learning, growing, loving. That he also believed in God and all His teachings.

I have since been proven wrong of course.

God is perfect and infallible, and I am flawed and prone to miscalculations.

Now we are here in another milestone. A miserable one to be sure, but a milestone nonetheless.

Today I am reminded of this. And this. And this. And many more, so many more, an ocean of words that I have poured out to express my happiness, giddiness, and gratefulness for the man who died, the one who said he loved me.

This is not a testimony. This is a commemoration. In lieu of flowers, we accept coffee and food.

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